Sometimes people react to difficult situations by being aggressive. So, how do you deal with aggression? What’s the best approach?
Stick with me, and I’ll show you how to deal with aggressive people at work …
Aggression in the workplace can be verbal or physical, such as shouting or banging the desk. People tend toward aggression when they get into conflict and want to defend their interests at the expense of others.
How to Deal With Aggressive People
The tree that bends in the wind survives the storm. The tree that stands firm and opposes the storm lays broken after. – Unknown
Aggressive behaviour is destructive and needs to be handled directly and calmly. This requires assertiveness and a balanced ― emotionally intelligent ― approach to handling conflict.
Here is a short list of simple tips for handling aggressive people at work.
1. Time to Cool Down
Aggressive behaviour can be frightening. It’s also a good sign that the person you’re dealing with has lost self-control.
Therefore, give them time to cool down. Choose another time to talk when there is less going on.
Alternatively, change the location. Move into a meeting room or corridor.
2. Point them Out
Point them out. Tell them directly and calmly that there’s no need to get angry.
This simple statement is often enough for people to reflect on their behaviour and calm down.
Recognise their feelings and show that you care: “I understand you’re angry. Now let’s work out what we’re going to do.”
3. Don’t Fight
Do not fight fire with fire. Never engage aggressive behaviour with more of the same since this will only act to trigger more aggression.
Instead, stay calm and let the noise pass over you. When you have to speak do so calmly. In this way you are in control.
Your aim should always be a win-win situation.
4. Acknowledge What’s Important
Acknowledge important ideas or facts they convey since this will help to diffuse their aggression and help them become more open to your ideas.
What’s more, acknowledging their ideas does not mean you agree with them.
Never give ground to someone who uses aggression.
5. Use Attention Grabbers
Use attention-grabbers to pave the way for better listening. Present new information to gain their attention.
For instance, state specific benefits, new ideas or something of interest that hasn’t been mentioned before. Therefore, use plenty of coaching questions to clarify the situation.
These buy time and take the sting out of the situation.
Deal With Aggressive People … Don’t Avoid Conflict!
Conflict between people is inevitable. Never avoid conflict. And don’t attack or undermine others when standing up for something you want.
Aggressive people come from an “I’m okay, you’re not okay” position.
Therefore, when dealing with aggressive people at work be assertive, always stand your ground, and say what you have to say.
That takes emotional intelligence. It says: “I’m okay, you’re okay.”
How do you feel when people are aggressive toward you?
How do you react? What advice would you give for dealing with aggressive people?
Creative Commons image courtesy David Blackwell.
I think the most important thing is to be in control of your own emotions. We cannot control how another person acts, but we can control our own response to that act.
1. Always try to focus on the idea/problem/solution being discussed and not on the person. It is very easy to get caught into getting personal (eg: “This person always lies”)
2. Try to be rational about the argument….
3. If you see the person behave the same way all the time with everybody, you should stop talking to that person
Hello Srinivas, Many thanks for sharing your ideas. I agree that we need to keep control of our emotions when dealing with aggressive people and this means keeping calm and sensible. However, if such behaviour is often seen we have a responsibility as leaders to point them out or to deal with them using company bullying procedure or similar. Ignoring them is not helpful in the long run. As ever, Martin
I was wondering if either of you have some advice for me. I started a new job last month. My trainer is an aggressive, and abrasive person.
I’ve stuck it out thus far thinking that if I complained I would be looked down upon. In the meantime, I’ve made some mistakes under this kind of pressure and yes, there is no reason for it, but in my defence, I have never worked with someone like this before and its starting to wear me thin. I also have had no previous experience in this role.
He thinks nothing of it to embarris me if front of other co workers and even when I am doing a good job, he will tell the managers that I’m not getting it.
I’m not sure if its related but I am starting tomorrow training with someone else. This makes me happy and not. I’m taking it personal. Does this mean they are concerned and taking this fools word for it, or are they just trying to help me out?
How can I gain my confidence back and gain control of this situation?
Hello,
It’s not clear from your comment if your trainer is also your line manager. If you report to someone else I would consider speaking to them. That means building rapport and getting some feedback. Ask them how they think you’re doing – you should be asking your training this already. And while you’re there ask why you’re having another trainer. The answer could be straightforward: they are the best person to guide the next part of your learning.
Clearly you don’t get on with this person – you say “idiot” – but they may be blissfully ignorant about how you feel. So this is as much about you as it is them!
That’s why you need to follow the steps outlined in this post: Don’t do something in the heat of the moment, cool down and think about what you want to say, then stick to that line of conversation. Also, don’t get into an argument and focus on a common goal, i.e. successfully completing a part of your training. This is a win-win. If you do well they look good. If you don’t do so well it may reflect badly on them too (it may already.) Finally, draw them in and ask how they can help you improve.
As ever,
Martin
Hi , I was cycling cross country with my dog (a placid if not bouncy English pointer) and my eleven year old son on his new mountain bike. When our 16 month old dog lost his way and ran ahead.
In trying to locate him my son stayed when he was and I went a few hundred meters ahead to find him. I located him with a couple and there dog on lead (who was barking and snarling ) whislt my dog true to form was wagging his tail and wanting to play. As I saw him the guy tried to kick my dog away. I whistled my dog and he ran to me. I stayed still and called my son who was out of site round a bend in the river. The man and his partner approached and suddenly he turned on my , swearing and threatening to kick my dog , kick me etc. I remained as calm as I could, apologised for my dog running up, but falling on deaf ears the threats kept coming. All I could think of was the safety of my son. When out of nowhere the man lashed out and kicked my bike , bending the handlbars and spokes. Still trying to keep calm I readied my self for self defence – what else can you do. At this point I was holding on to my dog and my son was approaching. At the same time the man and his wife walked on. What else could I have done ? I felt I did the right thing, but part of me wanted to stand up to this moron. Like to know your comments – I know I did right as my sons safety is paramount. But I did feel hepless as the guy was some 8 stones heavier than me and about 3 to 4 ” taller.
Well, be your cooperative, pleasant self. He will be You totally the right thing. The guy was a bully. Can’t win with that type. You acted like more of a man than he.
Hello, i was wondering if you have any advice for me. I have an employee who is verbally aggressive. I worked with him the other night and he was 45 minutes late coming back from lunch, when he came back I explained to him the policy and told him that he needs to be accountable for his time. After which he started yelling and telling me that I shouldn’t care because it doesn’t come out of my paycheck. He is very aggressive and I’m not sure how to handle his behavior. I stayed calm and repeated myself. I am quite certain that he does not care. He has also been very aggressive with the two previous women managers. When I go to my manager and tell him that he needs to be spoken to he says that he will talk to him but I’m not quite certain it will change anything as he has been spoken to twice before.
Hello Elsie,
To be clear, I’m assuming that the person is your direct report. And, I think there are three issues you need to tackle.
1. Behaviour and performance. The employee is blatantly your authority and company policy. You are correct to repeat the policy, but you also need to explain the consequences and then be prepared to see them through. Be clear about policy and seek advice from HR if needed. Issue ann informal warning and expect an improvement or escalate to a formal warning and / or improvement plan.
2. Don’t stand for the yelling / aggression. If you have things to say, do it in your territory and on your terms. Ask them to come to your office or a meeting room. Again, staying calm is precisely the right thing to do. Again, make it clear that yelling doesn’t help and get back to the timekeeping and consequences if there is no improvement.
3. Do you need to go to your manager? Certainly keep them informed, but also be clear that you will handle the situation and that you’re looking for their support. Explain the poor timekeeping and how you intend to improve this through a warning and improvement plan. Follow this meeting up with an email, and keep notes to support everything you do including discussions, timekeeping, aggression etc.
As ever,
Martin
About seven months ago I joined a company. Shortly after I came on board, people started to spread rumors such as I was too aggressive, talked too much, had difficulties communicating in meetings — in short, I was doing absolutely everything wrong.
Eventually I discovered who were the people who started the rumors – they were people that most people in the company didn’t like because they were known to be liars, political players and extremely aggressive themselves. By the time I found this out, the damage was done because they found a couple sympathetic people who complained to management on their behalf.
Eventually I was placed on a performance improvement plan that didn’t have any goals or deadlines which my boss forced me to sign. I tried to talk to HR to address the situation, but it only got worse. Eventually I got fired three weeks ago and I am beyond upset.
While I have had bad jobs in the past, this one by far was the worst — the situation has spilled into my personal life where I have been told by a number of people never to speak with them again because I became aggressive with them. I don’t know what to do at this point — I am seeing a therapist in the hopes I can calm down, but I just can’t seem to do it — in fact, I am getting even angrier by the day because I know I was screwed over and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.
Any advice on how to move on? I am afraid that the next job I get (assuming I get one soon) will end quickly due to this rage that I can’t seem to quell.
“3. Don’t Fight
Do not fight fire with fire. Never engage aggressive behaviour with more of the same since this will only act to trigger more aggression.”
then:
“Don’t Avoid Conflict!
Conflict between people is inevitable. Never avoid conflict.”
What a useless article.
Of course, you’re entitled to your opinion. However, you haven’t grasped the difference between fighting and conflict. Conflict is serious disagreement; stand your ground but don’t engage in a way that fuels aggression.
I try my best to avoid workplace as****** outside work… and try not to lose my calm at work while dealing with them. It was challenging in the beginning, however, now I know how to survive without surrendering myself to their rudeness.
At work there is an individual who always starts with people I wanted to make a change and switch jobs so I wasn’t getting board of doing the same job all the time. He agreed to this that we should take turns and do the change over day after there was a certain job this individual didn’t want to do and he came to me and said I did a better job at this job and I said no as you agreed to change in job so we was not doing same job all the time he and my self got very angry and I said swear comments to him we did not speak for two days and on the last day first thing before break he came to me and got in my face that he wanted to start a conflict I got angry and stated to this individual go away and leave me alone he would not do this. I left my work bench and spoke to the manager in charge what had gone on when spoke to manager I went back to my work bench kept calm and quiet. The same individual was making snide remarks and putting items around me so I would trip over them and injure my self if this continues I do not believe I will be able to control myself I enjoy my job and do not want to leave due to this individual as I have done so in the past with jobs due to altercations between work colleagues.
Recently I had a co-worker scream at me. What happened was, in the reception area of the office, there was a customer at the counter. Two co-workers were laughing and playing a video on their cell phone. I discreetly walked over and let them know that there was a person at the counter. I was just giving them a head’s up because I thought they didn’t see him.
I was upset for days about the way this person screamed at me. I decided to let management know about it. Of course they wanted to know about what happened that led up to her yelling. I explained the situation, and was sure to mention that the customer didn’t hear them (I checked), so no harm was done, but I didn’t appreciate being yelled at like that.
Our management team mentioned that there have been problems with her before, and said they would take care of it. Well, they called an office meeting with everyone, and went over the incident in front of her. (I was not required to be at the meeting.) They really embarrassed her. That is not what I wanted, and I feel it just made me look like a rat.
Now you can cut the tension with a knife. I do my best to avoid her. I’m upset with them and myself. I did feel the need to stick up for myself. I also felt I needed to mention what happened because this woman also screamed at another co-worker, who wants to move to another office.
Is there anything that can be done to diffuse the situation?